It’s time! Now what and how?  I didn’t anticipate what you might call brain fog around the division of my marital estate. I’d worked in personal finance since 1998 and knew my financial world as well as possible. The peace-of-mind I received from having guidance from a clear-headed, unemotional, mentally available, experienced team is the best gift I’ve probably ever given myself.

Divorce is likely an event with which you do not have much or any hands-on experience. This process is one that has options that differ in each state. Counties and courts will even have their individual requirements. Working with a respectful team doesn’t take all of the emotion out of your divorce. It can, however arm you with education, knowledge, and forward looking counsel to help ease the fear, hurt, anger, regret, guilt or whatever emotions with which you will personally struggle.

For many of my years as a family lawyer I was asked by judges to represent the interests of children going through divorce.  As an “ad litem” or “amicus attorney”, it was my duty to talk to my young charges to find out what they were thinking and what was bothering them.  In many cases their parents couldn’t agree on where the children should live after the divorce, which parent should have the power to make decisions regarding the children’s day-to-day life, or whether one parent should have the right to move to a new location, far away from the other parent.  My experience gave me an insight into how many children think during the turbulent period of their parent’s separation and divorce, and the best way parents can deal with some of the children’s assumptions and misunderstandings.

Insight #1 – children often think that it’s their fault that the marriage is ending; that it is something they have done that has caused the problems plaguing the adults in their lives.  Parents need to make it very clear that the children have had nothing to do with the issues in their divorce and that it is not the children’s job to solve the problems.  Sometimes I heard from parents that the children were doing just fine – in fact, they had never behaved better than they have since the separation.  This may be a warning signal that a child thinks that if he just behaves perfectly that the divorce will do away.  A parent would do well to reassure the child that they are loved and will be loved by both parents no matter what happens between the parents.

Divorce has significant effects on your taxes.  For example, if your divorce is final by December 31 of a tax year, the IRS will consider you unmarried for that entire year, so you must file individual rather than joint tax returns.  Moreover, due to new tax legislation, alimony is no longer deductible for the person paying and it not taxable to the recipient.  It’s possible to go back and change a prior decree to make alimony no longer tax deductible, but changing a divorce decree is easier if you used the collaborative process to handle your divorce in the first place.  There are several tax issues to consider when getting a divorce, including how to handle the sale of your home, sharing retirement accounts, deciding who will claim children as dependents, selecting the proper filing status for the year of your divorce, and handling alimony.

Selling the Family Home

Getting a divorce often requires selling the family home because neither spouse can afford to keep it.  You may have to pay capital gains tax on any profit unless you used the house as your main residence for two of the prior five years and have not excluded capital gains from the sale of another home within the prior two years.  If you meet these criteria, each spouse can exclude $250,000 in capital gains on their home from any tax.  Getting an agreement about how to handle the sale of a family home is much easier if you used the collaborative divorce process rather than adversarial litigation.   

It’s possible to divorce in a way that supports the well-being of everyone. You can end the conflict, heal the hurt and part as friends. You just need to learn how.

Unfortunately, most divorces are handled in a very different way. Sides are drawn and issues become something to fight over rather than something to resolve. Walls of protection get fortified and distance grows. Then we bring in adversarial attorneys and escalate the conflict dramatically. We hurt each other over and over, feeling fully justified for everything we do. Serious damage is created in the process of divorce, and none of it is necessary.

Confronting the loss of the family system can be very difficult for children coping with divorce. Caring adults in these children’s lives may feel overwhelmed and helpless when faced with divorce and may feel unskilled in assisting children navigate this confusing time. These adults may want to help, but have no idea what to do.

Being Supportive 

One of the things we emphasize most in explaining Collaborative Law is that it’s different from the traditional divorce process, which utilizes litigation. Here are some of what we call “process descriptors,” which help establish the difference between litigation and Collaboration.

In litigation:

This is the official new blog for the Collaborative Law Institute of Texas.

As part of our ongoing efforts to educate people about the Collaborative Law process – including the recent debut of the new Collaborative Law Institute of Texas website — we’re launching this blog. It will feature articles from Collaborative Law Institute of Texas professionals, answers to some common (and not-so-common) questions about the Collaborative Law process, and news from across the state, nation, and even world as it relates to Collaborative Law.

The collaborative divorce process can help you achieve your divorce goals.  The following article, originally featured in Park Cities People, explains why collaborative divorce is the right tool for the job.

If you are contemplating or facing divorce, do you have any of the following goals:

As the “longest year ever” starts to draw to a close, we turn to thoughts of the holidays.  The Halloween inflatables have come down, the candy has been eaten (except for that secret stash in the pantry!), and plans are being made for Thanksgiving and beyond.  But how to plan and how to celebrate in this year of COVID-19?  Extended families are separated by masks and geography.  Many of us have experienced unspeakable loss since March, and all of us have dealt with fear, uncertainty, and an unsettling new normal.  Some families have been challenged to the breaking point.  This has resulted in an increased number of new divorce filings, with many additional families teetering on that possibility.

Do you wish your family was in a better place?  Do you fear that these holidays could be the breaking point?  Is this your first holiday season in two homes?  Honestly, are you struggling with even thinking about the holidays this year?

Is it time for us to divorce or do we both have one more genuine attempt left in our emotional and / or financial bank? This and so many other questions are best answered when we have a clear head and are able to make sound decisions. So, how is that possible when we’re contemplating divorce while our world is caving in on us?

Collaborative divorce professionals focus on your hope for your family’s future. The intent is to develop a mutually beneficial outcome that is driven by interests or goals as opposed to problems or people. Seek the wise, experienced counsel of one of these professionals to learn your options.

Divorce is often described as one of the most stressful events of any person’s life, right up there with the death of a loved one.  And it is the “death” of a relationship which was initially intended to last a lifetime.   Even for the spouse who has decided the relationship should be over, divorce can be extremely stressful.   So, how can the stress and emotional damage be decreased?

 1.  Acceptance

As soon as you know the relationship is over, whether you wanted it to be or not, you need to begin to accept that fact.   The longer you fail to accept the end of the relationship, the more emotional upheaval you will experience, and the longer you will be in grief.  Denial is the first phase of the grieving process, so acceptance is the only way to move to the next.  Now, this is easier said than done, so you may need to use tip Number Two to get there.

This fictional profile gives insight to the role that a Financial Advisor plays as a neutral in the Collaborative Divorce process.

The Collaborative Divorce process is an alternative process to a traditional courtroom divorce.  The process involves the divorcing parties, their legal representatives, a Mental Health Professional and a Financial Professional.  The Mental Health and Financial Professionals are neutrals in the process – neither specifically associated with either of the divorcing parties.

April is “Autism Acceptance Month.” Prior to 2021, this acknowledgement was called “Autism Awareness Month,” but as we have begun to learn more about autism and what it means to be “on the spectrum” of autism, we have learned that being on that spectrum is like a rainbow–there are many variations of abilities and inabilities, challenges and yet special gifts that people on the spectrum bring to our world and the families in which they live.

One Texas Rehabilitation counselor says it best, “When you have met one autistic person, you have met ONE autistic person.” It is called a spectrum because everyone classified in that group is very different. Now, with society’s greater understanding and inclusivity, honoring different gifts rather than ostracizing people with differences, people on the spectrum are finishing college and advanced degrees and following career paths that historically would not have been available to them. One needs only to look at the life of Temple Grandin, Ph.D., and the Emmy, Screen Actors Guild and Golden Globe winning movie about her life and book, “Thinking in Pictures,” to learn that the possibilities are endless for people on the spectrum.

Child Custody Disputes – The Saddest Battle

When it comes time to begin building out your parenting plan, the possible combinations of choices are literally endless. Here are just some of the topics that you’ll need to discuss and agree upon: 

• Parenting time ratios – 50/50? 60/40?
• Parenting time logistics – which days are at whose home?
• How do we choose childcare providers in the future?
• How do we handle holidays? Which holidays do we care about?
• Who will be in charge of passports?
• Which parent will handle primary care appointments?
• Who is responsible for sick days or days off school?

The list of decisions goes on seemingly forever. 

As a therapist who has spent the last 12+ years specializing in child therapy and parenting work, I can tell you that I’ve seen all sorts of arrangements and parenting decisions. Most parents I’ve worked with made reasonable decisions about parenting, but ALL parents I’ve worked with have loved their kids deeply.

Children need to see their parents being supportive of each other, especially during a divorce. They need to see their parents having a united front – that they are still able to communicate with each other and make decisions for them that are in their best interest. Ultimately, children need to see that they are still both their parents even though they are getting a divorce.

The Children’s Bill of Rights was created many years ago. It is a Bill of Rights that helps parents remember that they are modeling behaviors for their children in ways that are in the best interest of their children. These are behaviors that their children will pick up on. Children as young as three and four are incredibly perceptive. They hear, they know, and they’re also highly influential. So, the question should always be in the back of your mind. What do I want for my children?

There are some statements that therapists often hear from parents when they go through a traditional divorce. Instead of helping parents come together for the sake of their children, divorce frequently creates more disharmony and mistrust. The mental scars to the offspring cannot be overstated. Below are some of what therapists here.

“My ex is poisoning my kids towards me. She is feeding them lies!”

The phrase “Co-parenting and Collaborative Law” has a nice ring to it. But how does the collaborative process facilitate co-parenting? Does the collaborative process actually facilitate co-parenting at all? Co-parenting after divorce is difficult for most couples. What can we do in the collaborative process to enable effective co-parenting?

When comparing the collaborative process to the litigation process, one can quickly realize the collaborative process offers more hope for successful co-parenting in the future.  The act of following through with the collaborative process rather than a couple seeking litigation to resolve their divorce, is the first step to encouraging co-parenting skills. Throughout the collaborative process successful tools for co-parenting can be provided. On the other hand, litigation usually harms the co-parenting relationship due to the adversarial nature of the process which lends itself to higher conflict.