For many of my years as a family lawyer I was asked by judges to represent the interests of children going through divorce.  As an “ad litem” or “amicus attorney”, it was my duty to talk to my young charges to find out what they were thinking and what was bothering them.  In many cases their parents couldn’t agree on where the children should live after the divorce, which parent should have the power to make decisions regarding the children’s day-to-day life, or whether one parent should have the right to move to a new location, far away from the other parent.  My experience gave me an insight into how many children think during the turbulent period of their parent’s separation and divorce, and the best way parents can deal with some of the children’s assumptions and misunderstandings.

Insight #1 – children often think that it’s their fault that the marriage is ending; that it is something they have done that has caused the problems plaguing the adults in their lives.  Parents need to make it very clear that the children have had nothing to do with the issues in their divorce and that it is not the children’s job to solve the problems.  Sometimes I heard from parents that the children were doing just fine – in fact, they had never behaved better than they have since the separation.  This may be a warning signal that a child thinks that if he just behaves perfectly that the divorce will do away.  A parent would do well to reassure the child that they are loved and will be loved by both parents no matter what happens between the parents.

When dealing with a divorce where children are a concern, it is of utmost importance to keep the proceedings focused on them and their well-being. A collaborative divorce can achieve this goal, in addition to skipping expensive litigation. Here, we have laid out ten behaviors that divorcing parents should display to keep the divorce child focused, so that parents can promote strong, happy, healthy children during this time.

1. They do not confuse what is best for the children with what is best for them.  Child Focused parents do not push their own agenda when making parenting plan decisions. This is to say, every decision should be focused on the needs of their children, and less so their own. They must not use their children as leverage for their own gain.
2. They understand that children need time to adjust to the divorce.  These parents take a minute before turning a child’s world upside down. They wait a little while to date and bring dates around the kids, change schools, sell the house, and change sport teams in different areas. Divorce is already a major change in their day to day lives–continuing to throw curve balls at them will only serve to stress them out more.
3. They ensure that both parents have time with their children and allow them to love both parents in both homes. This will take time, but the children must be given space to make adjustments to living in two homes. They must also be given their own space and their own rooms in both houses if at all possible to help feel safe and grounded. Both homes must feel like home.
4. They got over themselves and work as a team.  They sought individual counseling, divorce groups, and friends to help them work through their own feelings about the divorce. However they need to accomplish this, they must have a healthy relationship with the grief of the loss of their marriage and make the transition to being co-parents.
5. These parents communicate often, respectfully, and consistently about child focused matters. They inform each other of all important matters regarding their children such as: health, events, school and travel. They do not lie nor do they lie by omission in these matters. All information regarding the children is important, and both parties should be privy to it all.
6. They work together to ensure predictability and routine in both homes. Despite having two houses, there should not be wildly different sets of rules across both. Separate sets of guidelines and rules will create unnecessary disparities between both homes that will only lead to more conflict, which is not what a healthy, Child Focused life needs. Consistent rules and schedules and routines will eliminate this conflict outright.
7. They consider a post-divorce family is not broken, but instead restructured.  They understand that their children have two home–one with each parent.
8. They understand that their children might have conflicted feelings about the divorce and changes in their family and allow the children to communicate these concerns. They will address each concern as they come. Doing so will strengthen the child’s sense of security in this new, post-divorce life.
9. They preserve the other parent’s reputation with their children, friends, and family.  They do not bad mouth the other parent at any time. It is inappropriate to belittle or trash-talk one another, doing so will only create a needlessly hostile environment between all parties: the parents and the children.
10. Most importantly, they do not make the child feel like the divorce is their fault. While the children must always be at the forefront of all matters during the divorce, their divorce is their own.

Divorce is always a challenging time for parents and children alike. There are so many factors to consider such as custody schedules, selling or keeping the family home, splitting assets, etc. As the divorcing parents negotiate the terms of the divorce, they hopefully have the best interest of the children involved. One of the most contentious areas in divorce is finances. Many of the financial matters do not pertain to the children, but there are several that are directly related and managing them well can lead to a more peaceful divorce and co-parenting situation for the children.

Child support is very common in divorce cases with children under 18. The child support is determined by the court and varies depending on the state the family resides in, custody schedule and income of the non-custodial parent. In Texas, child support has caps at certain income level and the amount awarded to the custodial parent depends on the income and number of children the non-custodial parent has. Child support is supposed to cover a portion of the children’s expenses but its use its not typically well-defined so the custodial parent can use their own discretion on how to spend it. This can often cause disagreements between the parents as each parent has their own idea of how child support should be spent.

The collaborative divorce process can help you achieve your divorce goals.  The following article, originally featured in Park Cities People, explains why collaborative divorce is the right tool for the job.

If you are contemplating or facing divorce, do you have any of the following goals:

Divorce has significant effects on your taxes.  For example, if your divorce is final by December 31 of a tax year, the IRS will consider you unmarried for that entire year, so you must file individual rather than joint tax returns.  Moreover, due to new tax legislation, alimony is no longer deductible for the person paying and it not taxable to the recipient.  It’s possible to go back and change a prior decree to make alimony no longer tax deductible, but changing a divorce decree is easier if you used the collaborative process to handle your divorce in the first place.  There are several tax issues to consider when getting a divorce, including how to handle the sale of your home, sharing retirement accounts, deciding who will claim children as dependents, selecting the proper filing status for the year of your divorce, and handling alimony.

Selling the Family Home

Getting a divorce often requires selling the family home because neither spouse can afford to keep it.  You may have to pay capital gains tax on any profit unless you used the house as your main residence for two of the prior five years and have not excluded capital gains from the sale of another home within the prior two years.  If you meet these criteria, each spouse can exclude $250,000 in capital gains on their home from any tax.  Getting an agreement about how to handle the sale of a family home is much easier if you used the collaborative divorce process rather than adversarial litigation.   

It’s possible to divorce in a way that supports the well-being of everyone. You can end the conflict, heal the hurt and part as friends. You just need to learn how.

Unfortunately, most divorces are handled in a very different way. Sides are drawn and issues become something to fight over rather than something to resolve. Walls of protection get fortified and distance grows. Then we bring in adversarial attorneys and escalate the conflict dramatically. We hurt each other over and over, feeling fully justified for everything we do. Serious damage is created in the process of divorce, and none of it is necessary.

When you enter into a Collaborative Law negotiation, you have a lawyer advocating on your behalf, and there’s another lawyer advocating on the other party’s behalf. Meetings involve you, the other party, and the respective lawyers, and the goal is to settle any outstanding issues outside of a courtroom setting.

In the Collaborative Law process, the lawyers involved cannot go to court and litigate against each other or the parties. This accomplishes several things crucial to developing a solution:

If you visit the Collaborative Law Institute of Texas’ website, you might notice that when looking up our members, mental health professionals are listed as well as lawyers. That portion of our member roster highlights something important about the collaborative law process: It’s a process that has each participant’s long-term well-being in concern.

In divorce cases involving children, the parties involved typically don’t stop interacting once the divorce is finalized, and the divorce doesn’t necessarily resolve the great number of emotions that can result from two people coming to the realization that they can no longer be a married couple.

Since Collaborative Law came to Texas in 2000, more and more people have heard about it and have used the process to resolve family law matters.  As more lawyers, mental health professions and financial professionals have become involved in Collaborative Law, they are telling more and more potential clients about the new option that is available.  People are also hearing about it from friends and discovering it on the Internet and occasionally in the news media.  Because Collaborative Law is such a new approach, many potential participants naturally have a lot of questions about it.  This blog will answer many of those questions over time. 

We will begin with a fundamental question most people ask: “Am I a good candidate for Collaborative Law?”

Confronting the loss of the family system can be very difficult for children coping with divorce. Caring adults in these children’s lives may feel overwhelmed and helpless when faced with divorce and may feel unskilled in assisting children navigate this confusing time. These adults may want to help, but have no idea what to do.

Being Supportive 

One of the things we emphasize most in explaining Collaborative Law is that it’s different from the traditional divorce process, which utilizes litigation. Here are some of what we call “process descriptors,” which help establish the difference between litigation and Collaboration.

In litigation:

This is the official new blog for the Collaborative Law Institute of Texas.

As part of our ongoing efforts to educate people about the Collaborative Law process – including the recent debut of the new Collaborative Law Institute of Texas website — we’re launching this blog. It will feature articles from Collaborative Law Institute of Texas professionals, answers to some common (and not-so-common) questions about the Collaborative Law process, and news from across the state, nation, and even world as it relates to Collaborative Law.

 In the realm of family law, the adversarial approach to divorce often takes a toll on emotional well-being and financial stability. Collaborative Divorce, however, stands as a refreshing alternative, placing paramount importance on cooperation, communication, and constructive resolutions. In this blog, we explore the compelling reasons why collaborative divorce is a transformative and empathetic choice for families navigating the challenging waters of separation.

Social learning theory, which was developed in the early to mid-20th century by Albert Bandura, is a psychological perspective that emphasizes the importance of observational learning, modeling, and the role of social interactions in shaping behavior. His theory has significantly impacted the fields of psychology, education, and criminology and has applicability to the Collaborative Divorce Process in a variety of ways:

Parental Behavior and Coping Mechanisms: Social learning theories suggest that children learn by observing and modeling the behaviors of those around them, particularly their parents. In the context of divorce, children are likely to watch how their parents handle stress, conflict, and emotional distress. As a result, the Collaborative Process utilizes a neutral Mental Health Professional to help parents learn more effective ways of coping with emotional and interpersonal divorce challenges. When parents demonstrate prosocial behaviors, their children are more likely to model healthier behaviors themselves.

Divorce is one of the most traumatic events in a person’s life. And it is a decision made by many people in our society. Despite the ever-present nature of it in our communities, there are still misconceptions that should be dispelled. Here are just a few:

Misconception #1: We’ve decided to divorce. We can do it ourselves using Internet forms.

Divorce is one of the most complicated, important events in a person’s life. Think about it. When most people marry, they take six months to a year to plan a wedding that will last one day (and spend a lot of money in the process). Now fast forward ten, or twenty, or thirty years. You have probably bought a house. You likely have retirement accounts. You may have investment accounts. Maybe you even have a successful small business. And for many couples, you have children. Uncoupling all of this is not a simple process. Did you know that the most commonly used printed version of the Texas Family Code is over 1,000 pages – of very small type? And that doesn’t even take into account the various other legal codes that may apply to your divorce. (I’ll spare you the list.) Allow me to leave you with this thought: If you broke your arm, would you watch online videos to learn how to set and cast it yourself, or would you seek the help of a trained professional?

To infinity, and beyond…

Well not quite. But when you are going through a divorce, it can feel as if the process will never end, especially if you’ve chosen litigation. During a litigated divorce, it’s not uncommon for spouses to have so much trouble communicating about divorce, money, and children, they end up speaking only through their attorneys. Sound familiar? I’m sure your friends have told you the horror stories. It soon becomes easy for information, as well as intentions, to be misinterpreted. Delays become commonplace, and the more time you ask of your attorney the more expensive the divorce becomes for both you and your spouse. And to make matters worse, speaking through attorneys is not a great set-up for post-divorce communication. 

When you are facing a life changing decision like divorce, what do you think you will find more valuable:  Someone to make you feel better by saying that nothing has to change, or someone who will give it to you straight, no chaser?  I feel strongly that not enough people in the world of divorce professionals will truly tell it like it is. They tell you want you to hear which can lead you to make some HUGE mistakes.  Easily avoidable mistakes…Mistakes that need not happen!

I tell it like it is. Your household income as a couple will now be supporting two households, so yes, things will change.  Let me guide you through that change with some simple points.  Basically, let me help you not make HUGE mistakes!