Divorce is stressful and creates a variety of emotions. It takes time for everyone to adjust to their new normal and for children to acclimate living in two homes instead of one. I often tell parents, adults choose to divorce, children do not, it’s not their decision to make, yet the divorce still happens to them. Children live the schedule and must adjust to two homes, multitasking their belongings, schoolwork and learning a new way of life without seeing both parents every day.

Children and teens adjust to their new realty with resiliency and grace when they have an age-appropriate amount of information, feel heard and validated and have an opportunity to have their questions answered before and during the divorce process. When parents can avoid these 5 mistakes, children and teens will have less stress, worry, and adjust more quickly.

For most people, the divorce process is emotionally draining and mentally exhausting. Many people describe it as a time of being frozen, numb, or moving in slow motions. Despite that emotional and mental trauma, you will be expected to go through your finances with a fine-tooth comb to ensure that your settlement agreement is fair and equitable. With divorce brain, that’s easier said than done!

Even if you feel like you are clear headed, here are a few of the most common money mistakes to look out for when getting divorced. 

1. Underestimating post-divorce expenses.  You will be asked to do a financial affidavit that reflects your expenses AFTER the divorce. It is critical that you are realistic and don’t leave anything out. This information will be used to determine if spousal maintenance is necessary or not. You should be sure to include everything from your health care deductibles to anticipated home repair charges for the roof you need to replace next year. Keep in mind current expenses that may increase over the years such as daycare, property taxes, etc. If you underestimate your expenses by $200 per month, that’s $2400 per year. Where are you going to get that extra money? When you’re the primary breadwinner this mistake could lead you to agree to pay maintenance that you ultimately can’t afford. A Certified Divorce Financial Analyst™ will help you scrub your affidavit for errors and make sure that you don’t leave anything out.
2. Believing that your attorney will handle everything.  Your attorney is an expert in the law, not finances. Would you ask your doctor for advice about legal questions? No, so why would you expect your attorney to be an expert in finances?  The attorney’s job is to ask you to fill out your financial affidavit and take your word for it that it is correct. A good attorney will glance over it looking for any glaring errors, but they are not trained to know the details behind asset tracing, QDRO support etc. The most commonly miss-valued asset is a pension. And sometimes, the pension is the most valuable asset in a marriage. I often see attorneys accept a present value statement from a pension as the correct value to include as marital property. It’s not even close. A CDFA™ can value it properly and make sure that tax ramifications are considered as well.
3. Not taking Tax Deductions. Not everyone realizes that portions of your attorney or CDFA™ fees during divorce are tax deductible. Any fees for obtaining alimony and/or retirement funds during your divorce proceedings are tax deductible. This means your QDRO fees are deductible. Also, alimony/ spousal maintenance used to be taxable to the recipient and tax deductible to the payer. This is no longer the case as the payer can no longer deduct the pay. This should be considered when the settlement is drafted.
4. Letting attorneys do the talking for you. The more you and your spouse can work out by just communicating, the more money you’ll save. I’ve seen many couples that could not bear to be in the same room but consider the cost. If you have your attorney relay information to the other spouse’s attorney, you’re racking up bills upwards of $600 an hour because you refuse to talk. Even if you can’t communicate verbally, email back and forth as to what you can agree on. This will save you time and money with the attorneys and mediation.
5. Letting your emotions make your decisions. So many people going through divorce just want to “get it over with.” This is not the time to just throw your hands up and agree to a settlement just to be done with it. A 50/50 split of assets is almost NEVER a truly equitable settlement. So, put the emotions aside and think with a reasonable financial mind. Take your time and make sure you thoroughly understand what your future will look like after your divorce and be sure to hire the right experts to help you.

In March of this year at the State Bar of Texas Annual Collaborative Law Conference I delivered the closing speech.  This was the third time in a row I was asked to be the last speaker at the Conference.  In 2020 I talked about The Power of Hope.  In 2021 I spoke on Love in Time of COVID.  In 2022 I spoke on The Love of the Game.  I replayed videos of my interviews with divorced couples, divorce attorneys, and professionals in mental health and finance as to what they each loved about the collaborative divorce process.

When I was a baby lawyer back in the 1900s, I was trained to zealously fight to win victory for my clients in court.  I wanted to litigate, show my courtroom skills and to get justice for the husbands, fathers, wives, and mothers I represented.  There is an important role litigation lawyers, including me, have in resolving disputes between others.  I am proud of the many trial lawyers at Gray Reed and my countless friends in Houston and around the State of Texas who dedicatedly, professionally, and honorably serve their clients.

I recently lost a family member to cancer. Some people might not think of us as family, because he was my ex-husband. But because we divorced collaboratively, we were able to remain family from the very beginning of the divorce process up until I held his hand on his deathbed. As hard as it has been watching my children lose their dad, it has also been reassuring knowing that our sons felt loved, nurtured, and cared for, by both of us. That is because we made the decision to be the best co parents we could be. Many years after the divorce, I am convinced that the collaborative divorce process laid the groundwork for that reality. It helped us identify when it was appropriate to put our personal needs aside, during the divorce process and beyond, to do what was best for our children. What’s more, remaining good friends and family, was one of our goals throughout the divorce and became one of the best benefits of Collaborative Divorce for us.

How does collaborative divorce help preserve relationships?
In collaborative divorce, you will be working with a team. The collaborative divorce team is made up of your attorney, your spouse’s attorney, one neutral financial professional (NFP) and one neutral mental health professional (NMHP). This team approach helps enhance the quality of decisions made during the divorce process, which in turn provide the best environment for preserving relationships within the family. Unlike litigation, a collaborative divorce allows the couple to explore solutions in a safe, confidential environment where they are each supported by their collaborative attorney, as well as the two neutrals assigned to the case. 

Divorce already takes an emotional, mental, and financial toll on the family. The current real estate market has added to that with increasing interest rates, declining house prices and diminishing values in certain asset accounts

Nationwide, there’s a shortage of available houses – especially at lower price points – compared to the number of would-be homebuyers. For a while, there was tons of talk of offers being made above asking, inspections being waived, no contingencies, bidding wars, and so on, but, as the Fed has raised interest rates, demand has cooled a bit.

Many clients think they are savvy negotiators, but they often fail to understand how their behaviors and attitudes towards each other throughout any divorce process effects the end result.  What you and I see as common-sense negotiation tactics, are anything but that to our highly agitated divorce clients.

We have all seen the Wife make digs at the unfaithful husband continuously throughout the divorce case. While such disparagement likely makes the wife feel a bit satisfied for a few moments, she rarely understands the long-term consequences of such comments.

In the post-information age in which we live, we can literally find an answer to any question within seconds at the touch of a button or a question to Alexa. However, finding accurate and relevant information can be much more challenging, especially when it comes to finding answers to frequently-asked questions about divorce. There is quite a bit of misinformation on the internet today about divorce laws in Texas. Here are three of the most common e-myths:

1. Texas is a “50/50” State.
While it is true that Texas is one of nine community-property States in the Union, Texas is not a 50/50 state. Fundamentally, community property is the property that a married couple accumulates over the course of the marriage, whereas separate property is either property that a person owned before marriage, acquired during the marriage by gift or inheritance, or compensation received for a personal injury. Upon divorce, the Texas court only has the power to divide community property, and that division does not have to be equal. The Texas Family Code only requires that a court divide the community estate of the parties upon divorce in a manner that the “court deems just and right, having due regard for the rights of each party and any children of the marriage.” Tex. Fam. Code Ann. §7.001. In practice, what that means is that the court is supposed to consider the unique facts and circumstances of the specific case before dividing the estate. Factors such as the comparative age, education, work experience, and health of the spouses should be considered. Additionally, the court looks at whether one spouse will bear the brunt of continuing to raise any minor children of the marriage, as well as any bad behavior of the spouses, when considering how to divide the estate. At the end of that evaluation, the court then divides the estate in a “just and right” manner in light of the totality of the specific circumstances brought to the court’s attention. Sometimes the result is 50/50, but just as often, the result differs from a strict 50/50.

Although many of us consider our pets to be family members, the Texas Family Code still considers them to be property, for the purposes of a divorce.  If your pet was acquired, adopted or purchased during the marriage, most likely the pet is community property. That means that a divorce court would have to decide who to “award” Fido or Fluffy to as part of a “just and right division” of the community estate. If the pet was previously owned by a spouse or given to a spouse as a gift, or inherited, then the pet is the separate property of that spouse.  A court cannot divide the separate property of either party.

 All of that being said, I have seen judges get very annoyed when parties are fighting over a pet. If the pet belongs to a child, the court could deem it to be the child’s property and not subject to division at all.  I’ve also seen a judge order that the pet travel with the child.  Particularly where children are involved, try to keep pet squabbles out of court and keep the best interest of the human child in mind.

Many couples who face divorce do so because they have been experiencing significant financial difficulties. These financial woes may be one among many factors, or perhaps the only factor, that has led to the breakdown of the marriage. These difficulties may be exacerbated by going from a dual-income household to a single-income household, perhaps due to job loss, illness, or another significant life change. When couples face these issues and decide to file for divorce, it is important to evaluate the assets, liabilities, income, and expenses of the marital estate to determine whether filing for bankruptcy can relieve one or both parties from debilitating post-divorce financial problems.

There are several factors that need to be considered when making this evaluation. First, one must assess the liquidity of the marital estate by determining whether the marital estate has a positive net value. One must also consider the nature of the spouses’ primary assets, what percentage of the assets can be easily liquidated, and whether there are sufficient liquid assets to meet at least three months of the parties’ ordinary monthly expenses.

The phrase “Co-parenting and Collaborative Law” has a nice ring to it. But how does the collaborative process facilitate co-parenting? Does the collaborative process actually facilitate co-parenting at all? Co-parenting after divorce is difficult for most couples. What can we do in the collaborative process to enable effective co-parenting?

When comparing the collaborative process to the litigation process, one can quickly realize the collaborative process offers more hope for successful co-parenting in the future.  The act of following through with the collaborative process rather than a couple seeking litigation to resolve their divorce, is the first step to encouraging co-parenting skills. Throughout the collaborative process successful tools for co-parenting can be provided. On the other hand, litigation usually harms the co-parenting relationship due to the adversarial nature of the process which lends itself to higher conflict.

There are some statements that therapists often hear from parents when they go through a traditional divorce. Instead of helping parents come together for the sake of their children, divorce frequently creates more disharmony and mistrust. The mental scars to the offspring cannot be overstated. Below are some of what therapists here.

“My ex is poisoning my kids towards me. She is feeding them lies!”